Guatemala seems to have wrecked my life. It is crazy to come home, surrounded by so many comforts, but miss a place of struggle. Only ten days in Guatemala and I feel out-of-place in my city, in my life, in my country. Of course, I love my bed and cooking my own food and having running water available 24/7! I love the wide streets, orderly driving (well, compared to Guatemala!), classical music in Panera, green yards and lots of space in the grocery store. I love understanding people and having conversations that use more than the 40-or-so words of Spanish that I know!
But despite the creature comforts and the familiarity of home, my heart is upheaved. I have longings that I can scarcely define; and I don't know what to do with them. I miss the kids; I miss the beauty; I miss living in community; I miss days devoted to living out the love of Jesus. In short, I feel pulled: pulled between two worlds that I love, pulled between the needs in front of me and the needs of 42 orphans on a mountain in Guatemala, pulled between the frantic demands of life in front of me and the longings for a more intentional life.
A better word for what I am experiencing is tension. Tension is created by a pull between two opposing forces. I picture kids on either end of a rope, pulled against each other or two opposing magnets pushing away from each other. On a daily basis I feel the tension of my kids pulling against my directives or my husband advancing an agenda different from my own. Sometimes I have tension in relationships. . . like when someone says something so outrageous I wonder if we live on the same planet. . . or I have such a strong emotional response to a situation to which others seem indifferent!
But there is a deeper soul tension that is much harder to experience. In the core of my soul are longings that reflect the image of my Maker. There is a part of my soul that knows I was made for Garden-living: perfect, whole, unity with others, creation and God. That part of my soul KNOWS that God is writing a story of redemption that advances His kingdom. . . and I want to be a part. I also know that I am living in one of the most privileged, richest countries in the world, while the majority of the world suffers for clean water and regular nutrition. The amount of stuff I have is soul-numbing. What I spend at Target alone in a month could sustain a family in Guatemala! The inequity of life creates a tension in my soul.
In short, I long to be tied into God's purposes and His story. This longing creates a strong undertow in my soul that goes against the current of my culture. I am left struggling, confused and tired.
I work so hard to resolve this ongoing tension. Strategy #1 is to blame others. If people around me would change, if they cared more, if they gave more, if they tried. . . the world would be a better place. God's love wouldn't be so obscured in the lives of His people. I am frustrated by complacency and resignation in others. I keep my southern smile in place, but inside I criticize the lack of passion in others. Strategy #2 is to blame myself. Why am I so intense? Why do I have to analyze things to death? Why can't I be more submissive to the status quo and accepting of others? There is the sharp pain of feeling like I don't fit into the conservative, evangelical people group any more than I fit into the liberal, psuedo-tolerant people group. These are feeble, but enticing strategies that make me feel like I can diminish my soul tension. But, neither leaves me feeling very hopeful or loving.
Into this hot mess, God sent a wise friend several weeks ago, who cut to the crux of my tension when she said, "Maybe this is just how its suppose to be. Maybe we're suppose to feel pulled. Longings show us we are made for more." Without removing the tension, my friend handed me a pair of glasses with which I could see more clearly. I'm made for another world than the one I live in. Tension testifies to the fact that there is more than what this world offers. In a way, tension is divine kiss; a reminder that there is a bigger story. I'm not suppose to fit here. A sinful world filled with brokenness, povery, disease and suffering should not lend itself to a comfortable life.
Another wise man, Brendon Hatmaker, writes in his book, The Barefoot Church:
"Tension always accompanies an opportunity, a challenge or a thing to consider. When we place our focus on eliminating the tension, our primary focus becomes the tension itself, instead of the thing we should be considering. This reveals our nature to eliminate the thing causing the tension instead of dealing with much-needed change." (pp. 123-134)
So I am trying to learn how to make tension my friend. How to navigate between the pull of this world and world-to-come? How do I press into the tension and listen to what God wants me to consider?
