Monday, January 7, 2013

Words for a New Year

     Six days into 2013 and I am still contemplating what my "word" for the year will be.  At the suggestion of a friend, last year was the first time I exchanged a  list of resolutions for a single word.  The word for 2012 was "yieldedness" and I suppose God gave it to me as a life raft for theyear.  At the beginning of the year it was a quality I felt like I was lacking in my relationship with God.  It was something I desired, but did not possess.  And quite  honestly I could not muster up the wisdom and stamina to make it happen.  But God very generously and creatively wove circumstances that gave me repeated practice at yielding. I can't check a box.  I won't say "I've mastered yielding to God".   But I am in process and I loved seeing the artistry of God in carrying this theme throughout the year.
     So far no single word has pierced my heart with utter clarity.  What I keep coming back to, however, is the ugly word "cynicism".  If I could clean the closets of my soul, I would take this dirty word and kick it to the curb (along with its friends "negativity" and "dread").  For me, cynicism is a soul cancer that expects little of people and God, that sets expectations so low, that they can never be disappointed.  Cynicism feels safe, but it is a lens that drains the color out of life and reduces all to grays and beige. 
     As I've thought about what would displace cynicism, I keep thinking of a pair words:  "joy" and "expectancy".  I want to change the lens.  I want to be able to lift my eyes to see the joy moments.  To stop and wallow in them.  To be willing to part with efficiency and laugh more and longer.  To celebrate little victories that are too often eclipsed by looming goals and deadlines.  "Joy in the journey" is cliche, but I was to smile at the process as much as I strain for the accomplishments. . . and maybe more.
     Expectancy feels very risky.  I can remember my broken, 16-year-old heart drinking the koolaid that would numb my heart and relieve pain:  "Lower your expectations" became my mantra.  Anytime people disappointed me, I could take control by lowering my expectations of them.  Thus I kept my heart protected.
     But the containment of pain was bought by the forfeiture of hope.  It is impossible to protect the heart and nurture hope.
     Hope is wild and unpredictable.  It springs at the most unpredictable times and in the most unlikely of places.  Hope is tied to expectation. . . specifically expectation that the God of this universe is really who He says he is.  That He loves me, chooses me, forgives me, redeems me and in all things is advocating for me.  Expectancy is eager, anticipating and optimistic -- believing that God is writing a very good story through my life and the lives of those I love.  I can labor in relationships and endure messy disappointments, because God is the consumate midwive, bringing forth new life from all pain.  I can safely rest all my expectations for myself and those I love on Him. . . and let Him breath hope and joy into my heart.
     Joy and expectancy casting out cynicism and dread.  This is what I would love for God to do in my heart this year.

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