Thursday, July 11, 2013

Giving Up Control

     It is July and thoughts of my "words for the year" are a distant memory.   But today I returned to my January entry and realized that God has not forgotten and that He has not stopped plowing up cynicism and cultivating joy and expectancy in my life.  Two events have hugely impacted me in the last month.  One was returning to Guatemala for another missions trip; the other was coming home and being sick for a week.
    This year, Mark and I were given the amazing gift of being able to lead a missions trip to Guatemala out of our church.  We had gone with our family last year, but to lead a trip placed a whole new responsibility on our shoulders.  My hyper-responsibility glands went into high gear as I so desired to make this a great trip for everyone involved.  But from the beginning, it seemed like nothing quite went the way I planned.  The date was changed from what I wanted; the team make-up was smaller than what I wanted; the travel arrangements were hard. . .   There was no easy button to be found.  Maybe that's how it is whenever you embark of missions, but in my "got to get this right" worldview, it was frustrating to try so hard and have everything seem disappointing.
     Nonetheless, three weeks ago, our team embarked on our trip. . . albeit from two different airports!!  (Our family on two planes = major anxiety!)  We flew to Eagle's Nest in Solala, Guatemala where we led a morning camp for orphans living at Eagle's Nest and an afternoon camp for kids from the nearby village.  God decided to underscore for me over and over again just how capable He is!  The week we went was our second choice, but it ended up being the best choice, because the kids were out of school all week.  That allowed us to do 2 camps instead of one giant camp and gave us much more time with the kids!  I desired to have more musicians on our team, especially a drummer.  A couple and their son were staying at Eagle's Nest.  The father and son turned out to be drummers and helped teach the older kids drumming during our camp!  I had wanted some Spanish speakers on our team; God provided two college interns who not only translated for us, but were wonderful in directing the kids.  Further, the Patlans (missionary family who run Eagle's Nest) have 3 kids who stepped up and helped us in big ways.
     The sum total is that God gave us an amazing week.  He provided exactly what we needed.  Every member of our team proved valuable and indispensable.  and then God went beyond in knitting our hearts to one another, to the kids and to the Patlan family. 
     Perhaps one source of my cycnicism is my ultra-responsibility. . . which is really just code for "control freak"!  God took control away from me in many areas and then provided more abundantly than I ever could.  In His artistic way, at the end of the week, He gave me the experience of ziplining.  I had to let go of my fear of heights and trust I could survive being dangled from a cable thousands of feet in the air (okay, maybe just hundreds)!  It was terrifying, but it was ultimately glorious to experience something like flying through the air.  It was freedom. . . which is scary, but also very exhilarating.  And that is a life lesson for me.  Joy comes when I abandon the need to control.
    Coming home I had a week of illness.  I was "weak as water" to quote my mother-in-law and unable to do much besides sleep and sip sprite.  Again, I lost control.  I couldn't jump back into life.  And God provided through friends and family who stocked our fridge and filled it with meals to make our transition back easier.  My teenagers took over driving.  Friends watched my kids at the swim meet.  It was hard, but it was good.
    So joy comes in yielding to God's very capable hands and believing that He can be trusted with the details of my life.  And hard and beautiful aren't really that far apart.